The following post is satire. It was written for the purpose of exposing and mocking the absurdity of the financial exploitation and corruption within the local Christian Church today. While inspired by real church leaders, pastors, and actual statements they've made, this post is fictional and any resemblance to real pastors or churches is purely for satirical purposes.
Lead Pastor Neil Wolfe of Christian Community Church in Ogden (CCC), Utah sent a letter to his congregation this week in an effort to encourage more financial generosity to the church in this time of great economic distress. Last year, CCC only received $3.8 million in donations when its leaders specifically asked for $4 million.
Most of CCC's congregation have struggled to keep food on the table in the midst of record-breaking inflation and economic recession over the last year, but according to Pastor Wolfe, their greedy and selfish desires to keep a roof over their heads and food in their children's' mouths has prevented the church from growing materially and financially.
In response to the church's calls for more money, a few of its more gossipy and greedy members confronted Wolfe for the church's complete lack of financial transparency and accountability. His letter is partially in response to those outrageous requests, but mainly aimed at getting more money for Wolfe and his colleagues.
Wolfe's letter is republished below for the encouragement and conviction of every Christian in America today.
My Dear Church,
As your beloved and trustworthy pastor, I understand your recent concerns regarding your faithful donations to the church. Giving money to any organization is a big deal, especially when that organization is claiming to use your money for the spreading of the Gospel in Jesus' name and claiming to be God's only financial steward on Earth. Please don't let these highly suspect, greedy, and easily exploitable claims distract you. Even though countless church leaders defraud the Christian Church out of tens of billions of dollars every year, you can trust us, because we're your leaders, and we tell you to.
It's important to note that God isn't out to get your money for Himself. What would the good Lord need with the money of this world? On the contrary, He's out to get your money for us, the leaders of His local church. See, by giving up your earthly and carnal treasures, like paying bills, buying gas for your car, or feeding and diapering your children, you can give us your money for more important things. Holy, righteous things that Jesus cares about, like band equipment, projection screens, and another vacation home for your dear old pastor.
When you give money to us, it's basically like giving money directly to God, because... well, we're God's representative on Earth. It's not like He could use anyone else to do that, like His only begotten Son or the Holy Spirit, who resides in all of His followers and gives them direct access to God. Don't be fooled by Mystics and heretics, my dear church. Christian church leaders and their private interpretations of Scripture are the only authority that God has on Earth, and we say God wants us to have millions of dollars.
Additionally, by giving us your money, you're telling your money, “I don't serve you, I serve my church leaders, but they serve you, so I'll just hand you over to them and let them decide what's best for you. I can turn my utilities back on next month... hopefully.”
As one of the many faithful servants for money in the local Christian church today, allow me to briefly share why we at Christian Community Church shame and guilt our members into taking their “next step” with Jesus Christ by giving us as much money as humanly possible, without becoming a burden on the church like the poor and needy.
First, even though we don't disclose anything about how we spend the money you give us in Jesus' name, it's important to note that we are still YOUR church. I know at the beginning of this letter I told you the church leaders are God's financial steward on Earth, but when it comes to the actual funding part, that's on you. You may not have any say whatsoever in how we spend your donations, and we won't give you any, but it's still your responsibility to pay for everything we buy with your donations. Whether it be another business in the church that has nothing to do with spreading the Gospel, adding another wing onto our $3 million building, or sending me on an all-inclusive trip to Israel under the guise of reverence to the holy land. What we spend your money on for Jesus is our business and none of yours, but we still expect you to take full financial responsibility for whatever that may be.
Second, even though the Apostle Paul refused to take a salary as a minister of the Gospel and literally stated that he would rather die than take money in Jesus' name, we like to cherry-pick a single passage from one of his letters to the church to unbiblically invoke the tithing ordinance onto Christians. We know this contradicts the Gospel of Jesus Christ, as well as the Apostle Paul's entire ministry as an unpaid minister without a building to preach in and an earnest desire to avoid financially burdening Christians, but we still do it. My $800,000 house won't pay for itself, and neither will I. Like I said, that's on you.
Another important reason we constantly talk about money and call for donations like incessant, money-grubbing little weasels is obviously because Jesus' favorite topic was money. You might think it's faith, love, or the Kingdom of God, but you would be wrong. A common misconception among Christians today is that it's important to have faith in Christ, to love Him, and to love others, which is literally what He commands us to do in the Gospels, but actually, what He really wants you to do is give church leaders more money. In fact, giving money to us is the primary way to demonstrate to God that He is God and that you worship and serve and love Him alone. Remember, we're His financial steward on Earth. Every time you give me money, you're really worshiping and serving God. I know it sounds wrong, but your sacrificial service to my idolatry, greed, malignant narcissism, and financial abuse will bless you greatly in the Kingdom of Heaven, even if I won't be there to see it, because my god is money. That's a sacrifice I'm willing to make for you.
Even though we claim to carry out the mission of God on Earth but have turned it into a profitable business for exploiting and financially abusing His people, you still need to give us your money. After all, who else are you going to give it to? One of those independently funded para-ministries that actually gets things done, for free? Or worse, a non-profit charity or organization that's actually transparent and accountable because they're not protected by the government? Why donate to a cause that has a positive impact on the world and isn't defrauding or exploiting you when you can blindly support white collar criminals like me and my friends in the name of Jesus Christ?
Here at CCC, we may never shut up about money, your responsibility to pay for our extravagant and materialistic vision for the church, or our self-appointed authority as God's piggy bank on Earth. We may even claim that Jesus commanded you to pay our astronomical salaries and building costs by twisting Scripture and ignoring the first three centuries of Church history. But, we would never openly extort you. We're not holding a gun to your head. After all, that wouldn't look good and would get us into a fair amount of legal trouble. We don't threaten you physically for your money. Just spiritually, using the Bible.
Finally, regarding your recent calls for financial transparency, please reach out to me personally with any questions about “where the money goes” so I can send you one of our highly redacted “financial reports” that doesn't include any meaningful information whatsoever to ease your mind and shut you up. If that doesn't satisfy your annoying and legitimate financial concerns, then I suggest you go to one of those boring and Bible-centric poor churches with real transparency and no fraud.
While we know that God doesn't love you more or less based on how much or little you give us, it's important for you to know that we do. We know how much each of you are giving and if you want to impress us or find yourself in our elite, inner circle, you better start upping your donation game. Jesus had twelve disciples and so do we. Even though this analogy doesn't make any sense at all, if you love Jesus, you will blindly and obediently give us your money because we claim to love Him, too.
So, don't be a Jesus hater, my dear church. If you want your beloved and trustworthy church leaders to love you, or even acknowledge your existence, consider donating, and then progressively donating more and more and more, because even though I'm living in an $800,000 house now, I'm hoping to upgrade to a $2 million mansion by next Christmas. That's going to require a lot of work and growth from you, my dear church. Don’t procrastinate in taking your next step towards being a good little servant for CCC - I mean… Jesus. Donate today.
Your Lead Pastor,
Neil Wolfe
Checks payable to Christian Community Church or Neil Wolfe
This is a work of satire created by Check My Church's new Satire Column, The Heretic
