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Satire | 8 Ways Pastors Have it HARD


8 Ways (Wolf) Pastors Have it HARD

This satire article was inspired by The Babylon Bee’s recent article, 9 Ways Pastors Have it EASY, which flatters and defends Christian pastors.


Here at Check My Church, we think Christians are far too easy on its so-called “pastors”. Rampant abuse, corruption, and cult-like control have become a feature of the local Christian church or ministry. Through satire, we’re here to call it out for the absurdity that it is.


Enjoy!


 

All Christians know that being a pastor is the most honorable, powerful, and authoritative job in the Church. Its power, prestige, and paycheck obviously makes it the most sought-after position for the most... humble and righteous followers of Christ, but pastors are constantly victims of criticism and outrageous accusations in the Church. It’s time we give them the worship and adoration they deserve for their hard work in the Kingdom. 


After years of observing countless pastors of all denominations, here are 8 ways pastors have it HARD.


  1. They have to spend hours every week pretending to care about people. While they’re getting paid for their work and everyone else is “laboring for the Lord” for free, it’s important to leave the pastor the Hell alone so he can focus on himself. Some pastors hire bodyguards and other church staff to keep the stupid sheep away from them so they can do more important things, like podcasting about how much they care about people. Many pastors, however, are forced to blow people off themselves, and it’s really inconvenient.  

  2. If they make a single minor mistake, like having an affair, abusing children, protecting those who abuse women and children, or verbally berating and tormenting everyone around them for years on end, the whole Body of Christ will come together to protect their victims. The persecution pastors face from real shepherds of the flock for being human garbage is so unfair.  

  3. Their typically narcissistic and abusive behavior fosters dysfunctional and turbulent family lives. Why don’t women and children just blindly obey and submit to everything they say? Who cares if they’re abused and traumatized? The church members can hold it together and pretend everything is okay. Why can’t they? 

  4. They have to look perfect, even though they’re full of self-indulgence and debauchery. Life isn't easy for a wolf in sheep’s clothing. While they’re firing and excommunicating other church members for their sins, the pastor has to pretend they don’t do the same things they’re judging and condemning everyone else for. Such a hypocritical charade is hard to uphold.  

  5. All that self-righteous narcissism and fake spirituality gives people the impression they have a direct line to God like all other Christians do. It’s super hard pretending to have a one-on-one relationship with God when you don’t.

  6. The poor and needy are constantly poor and needy. Just because everyone else in the church is paying the pastor’s salary, that doesn’t mean they’re obligated to be generous, kind, or compassionate. Come on. That’s the real Christian's job! 

  7. People have thoughts and opinions that they don’t agree with or want to hear. Don’t you know that the pastor’s thoughts and ideas about God are better than yours? Seriously. They’re always right. Stop asking questions and disagreeing with their teachings. There’s no way they can be wrong. You’re just making things harder for them by threatening their fragile, grandiose self-image.

  8. They have to pretend to know about topics they know little to nothing about, and if they can’t answer your questions, they have to shame and mock you instead of admitting their ignorance because that would make them look bad: Whether it’s theology, marriage, finances, relationships, church history, parenting, or biblical hermeneutics, even if they go to a seminary that supposedly teaches everything they should know about theology, church history, and the Bible, the wolf - I mean... pastor doesn’t genuinely care about these things. If you ask them a question they can’t answer, they’re forced to lash out at you to protect their image, and that’s hard for them.


All in all, it's clear we should be easier on these exploitative, self-absorbed wolves in sheep's clothing. Their lives are much more difficult than everyone else's, especially given their need to uphold such a blatantly false public image.


 

Disclaimer: This article isn’t about all pastors. There are always exceptions to the rule and we know there are still good pastors out there working hard to teach the Bible truthfully and faithfully for the glory of God, but after years of observing, investigating, and engaging with numerous Christian churches and their so-called pastors, we believe most pastors display narcissistic, Machiavellian, and sometimes even psychopathic behavior. If your pastor doesn’t behave like an insolent, malevolent, and indignant little weasel, praise God. If he/she does, let’s just say we’re not surprised.


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